Soap is not a condiment
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
