I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
