I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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