How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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