I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
