normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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