bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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