After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
