my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So vagazzling was a success
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
