remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
God I need to hump something, right now.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
