I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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