saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Your cock deserves a montage
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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