He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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