I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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