508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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