you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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