Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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