WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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