My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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