New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
