i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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