Don't make out with my wife yet
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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