Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
