you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
