In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
