ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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