Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It was confusing and full of hummus
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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