He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
