Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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