I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
