So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
