is your mom at the bar?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
