I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
