Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
