I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
