I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
