I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
