don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
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