dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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