So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
