I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
