who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
they're like a gay fantastic four
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I need a burrito and a hug.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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