Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
