i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
