You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
