i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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