he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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