He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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