hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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