i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Naked Twister starts at high noon
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
