it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
